I've been screwed up recently. I really need someone to talk and I don't understand. I always end up jumping to my own conclusion about things.
I always have this.. um.. how do you say it, may be fear? Of something, that is "refusal".
I don't like to be refused or rejected by someone. So most of the time before I ask someone else a favor, I always jump to my own conclusion about whether this person would help me or not which most of the time my answer is no. That is, I know, a very bad conclusion. That makes me never ask somebody else's help. Because, what's the point of asking a favor when they're going to refuse me anyway?
I know that is totally not a good thing at all. But I think it's getting worse every day. I really am screwing it all up. That makes me exhausted because every time I jump to my own conclusion, I need to get my problem finish and only one thing I can do when I make my own statement that no one would help me is that I have to work on my own which is absolutely exhausting.
I really am wondering when can I stop making my own conclusion or opinion. I dislike someone who likes to think negatively about people. Someone who always thinks badly and negatively about other people that no one is ever right in his/her eyes. But, I realize now that making my own opinion and conclusion about someone doesn't make me any difference with the kind of person that I dislike.
I do realize that I am so not a good person at communication, and self-confidence. So coming to Korea makes me learn a lot. It brings up my confidence and makes me learn how to deal with people cause I'm the worst person about it. But because I am basically someone who likes to escape and afraid of facing my own problem, that makes my progress stuck. It really is intimidating me. I feel so intimidated of wanting to move on but on the other hand, moving on means that you have to face your own problem, finish it and leave it behind your life.
That is so difficult.
Lately I've been facing a problem of my score. Turns out I screwed everything that I've built. I've never been someone who cares a lot about the bad things that already happened. When the night that I called my parents and I was crying and telling them how I feel stressed about it. Yes, I wrote it on this blog that I have to enjoy what I do. Turned out, everything I did was the opposite. I worked so hard that made me like I want to throw up every night. I tried to get everything in my hand cause I'm a perfectionist and I became someone who was not the real me. Then all my mom said was, "you are not you".
It gave me like a slap on my face. I wasn't me. I didn't do my best, I did what I thought was best. Now, I'm afraid that I'm going to lose everything that I've built. Because I held it too tight, and now when I realize who I am now, and I tried to loosen it up a little bit, but I'm afraid that I'm actually loosing it up too much.
I'm so afraid of losing everything. Then I'm started being distracted about my future. Cliche, I know. I do know, too, that I suppose not to worry anything about my future, cause my future is in God's hand. Nothing to worry about. But I guess I'm just going to struggle for a little bit more. I know that most part of my feeling is so sure that I'm going to lose everything. But I guess, that's what faith works for, right? Guess, if there's anything you don't feel sure about, nothing you can do but keeping your faith, right?
Sure that I'm going to have a big problem in the next 3-4 weeks. But I just realize that my war isn't finished yet. I just started it. Here it is the real war. This is what I signed up for, and this is how I should face everything and stop escaping from my fear and jump to my own conclusion. Because I'll never be better if I keep running and hiding from my own problems. The problems that make you brave to take the risks. The problems that bring out the real you. The real you and who you suppose to be. That makes you see how you struggled and learned a lot of things and when you look back, you'd be proud of yourself for struggling to get what you've earned now.
It's going to be hard, but, keep the faith.
So I think I'm going to keep saying it.
Keep the faith, keep the faith, keep the faith.
Also keep doing your best. Cause faith without deeds is dead. And again, enjoy what you do!
my post is finished? Not quite. It's DECEMBER!! Christmas is on its way and I'm excited. Despite of spending my 1st Christmas in Korea, yes I'm not going home this Christmas, I'm so excited because, what's more interesting about December other than Christmas itself, right? I don't know what would my holiday be.
I'm so craving for holiday even though it's still 3-4 weeks away from now. That is why from all of my semesters that I've spent, this is going to be the first time for me to be excited about doing my final exams. Because of all the hard work that I did, I really need a long holiday to relieve myself from stress and business. I need to get myself a long break before I start the exciting 3rd year! Yes, only 2 years left in Korea!! I'm getting older and I'll be 20 next year. Can't tell you how excited I am. Being the smallest every time is no fun at all. Finally, I'd become the real woman! I'm getting sick of teen-ages.
So, another 3rd year of celebrating my birthday without my parents and in korea, and another 3rd year of living in Korea, hopefully not another 3rd year for me to make the same mistakes (I want to get to the next step). So, most exciting thing is absolutely Christmas and holiday. I'm going to spend my holiday by learning from my mistakes and becoming a better person in the next year. Guess I'll be preparing my 2012's resolution soon. :p
Next and last thing! I made a new blog. I've promoted it on my tumblr. you can check it out here, http://ingenuousdelight.wordpress.com
Please do check on that, if you're interested. If you're not, well, what can I say. Guess I'm gonna keep posting on that blog. :P
FYI, it's not about my daily life blog, it might be, but most of it is going to be about great things that I find that I think would be great to post it. It's totally going to be different from my blogspot. Because blogspot here, is where I talk about nonsense things and trashy things. But there, is going to be different. I'm so excited about having it because I'd wanted to make a wordpress since years ago but I remembered that I already have blogspot. But I figured it out already what I should post there.
Here I'm gonna end it, and wish me luck for my final tests. Last thing is, something that everyone would love. This is the most favorite not-really-a-Christmas song in every single year. Do enjoy your Christmas day and holiday. I really hope to post more near before the next year comes. If not, well then I have to say "Merry Christmas and Happy New Year" sooner that I thought. May your day be merry and bright! Let's together have a great year of 2012. See you!